I live in UK, I married a sister in Muslim country, for her religiousness. But after marriage, I find that she is not as religious as she showed before the marriage. I only married her for her religion but not for her beauty or wealth or nobility. Now I feel disappointed marrying her as she is much lower in religiousness then what she showed and what I expected.
I am not sure what to do? My future plan was to make future children scholars of Islam (InshaAllah) but i feel she is not the right mother for it. I made my future plans clear to her before marriage. she doesnt like my beard after marriage, but she didn't complaint before marriage. She is persistently disobedient. one time i said if you don't obey then i will divorce you, then she started to obey for a while. I try to teach her Islam but not interested.
She refuses to pray fajar because she needs to have bath. So, I stopped having relation which makes bath obligatory.
We have been married for 2 months. Should I divorce her or be patient?.
Praise be to Allaah.
There is no doubt that asking about the woman’s religious
commitment is the first thing that the man should look at if he wants to get
married, as the Prophet (blessing and peace of Allah be upon him) taught us.
Moreover one of us can rule only on the basis of what appears to be the
case, from asking about the woman and her family, and how she is before
marriage. So he should not be content with what she shows or what he thinks
from her outward appearance or from a few events. If he tries hard to check
and ask, then it becomes clear that she is different from what he expected,
this is the matter of the divine decree and has nothing to do with him, and
in that case he needs to see the best way to deal with the situation.
The matter of religious commitment is a relative matter. When
it comes to details, some people want the level of religious commitment that
suits them, such as striving hard to offer naafil fasts, pray qiyaam
al-layl, memorize the Holy Qur’aan or a specific portion of it, or have some
shar‘i knowledge, etc. Others may vary in the level of religious commitment
In fact, examining this issue and the possibility of getting
what you want is to be done before marriage. After marriage, however, there
are two possible scenarios:
There is a certain level of religious commitment but it is
less than expected or less than required. It is possible to accept this
situation, even if it is less than we hoped for, if the level of commitment
is limited to doing obligatory duties and staying away from haraam things.
If the woman adheres to that minimum obligatory level of
performing duties and avoiding haraam things, then she will be fine, in sha
Allah, so long as that includes obedience to her husband.
Imam Ahmad narrated (1573), in a report that was classed as
saheeh by al-Albaani, that ‘Abd al-Rahmaan ibn ‘Awf (may Allah be pleased
with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon
him) said: “If a woman offers her five (daily) prayers, fasts her month,
guards her chastity and obeys her husband, it will be said to her: ‘Enter
Paradise from whichever of the gates of Paradise you wish.’”
After that, the man and his wife can work together to do more
good deeds and naafil acts of worship.
But the serious problem is if the shortcoming in doing acts
of obedience reaches the level of omitting some obligatory duties or falling
into haraam actions.
Imam Ahmad (6664) narrated, in a report that was classed as
saheeh by al-Albaani, that ‘Abd-Allah ibn ‘Amr (may Allah be pleased with
him) said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him)
said: “Every action starts with enthusiasm, then the enthusiasm wanes;
anyone whose enthusiasm wanes but (remains within the limits of) my Sunnah
will prosper, but anyone whose enthusiasm wanes and drifts away to something
else, will be doomed.”
What this means is that there may be times when a person is
very energetic and enthusiastic about worship and acts of obedience, then
these energetic times are followed by a decrease in enthusiasm, laziness and
a drop from the level previously reached. This is something natural and
there is the hope that the individual will still prosper, but that is only
if, during the times of decreased enthusiasm and weakness, he does not
neglect the obligatory duties, because if he abandons them or takes them
lightly, he will be doomed.
Doom is not caused by merely falling into sin, for we are all
sinners; rather a person is doomed when sins appear in his general behaviour
and that becomes his situation most of the time and he does not care or feel
regret or repent; rather he persists in that sin and feels at ease with it.
It is clear from the way you described your wife that her
decrease in enthusiasm and backtracking is of the type that is dangerous,
and indeed is of the type that makes one doubt that she really was as
religiously committed as she appeared to be. Even if she has grown lazy
about some acts of worship, what does your beard have to do with her that
she should feel annoyed by it?!
What you have to do now is not to show any compromise towards
her situation. Being too lazy to get up for Fajr prayer is a major sin and
serious offence. In fact it is kufr that puts one beyond the pale of Islam
according to many of the Companions of the Prophet (blessings and peace of
Allah be upon him). That was also stated in a fatwa by Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Azeez
ibn Baaz (may Allah have mercy on him). So it is not permissible for you to
approve of that. If ghusl is what is preventing her from getting up, then
you should not let her go to sleep except in a state of purity, so that she
will have no excuse.
We share your anxiety about your wife and we advise you to
delay having children with her and to try again with her. If you see that
she is praying regularly on time and is serious about it, including – first
and foremost – Fajr prayer, and she is obeying you and fulfilling the rights
that you have over her, then be patient with her for a while and see how
things go. Try to discipline her and teach her, and be patient in putting up
with her crookedness and weakness, in the hope that Allah may guide her and
set her straight.
But if you find that she is persisting in neglecting the
prayer or trying to interfere with your religious commitment and objecting
to your beard, then there is nothing good for you in her and we advise you
to leave her before having children from her, which would only make the
problem more complicated.
See also the answer to question no.
We ask Allah to guide you.
And Allah knows best.