Her wali repeatedly refused suitors; can she arrange her own marriage?

I am 31 years old teacher. I have been a teacher since 1996. In the end of 1997 a colleague proposed to me, and I asked him to wait until my older sister gets married. She got married in 2000, and then this colleague came to propose to me at home. My father refused him, although my mother accepted. He justified his refusal by saying that I will continue my masters and I might get appointed at university.   My father refused many men because none of them is good enough in his view and he thinks that my chance could be much better (an engineer was one of those who proposed to me). In 2002 I was appointed as a tutor at university, and many men proposed to me but my father refused because he thinks that marriage will distract me from my studies. One of them was a doctor; my father refused him because he thought that he is greedy of my salary. 
My first colleague proposed to me again but my father again refused him because he is a teacher while I am a tutor at university.
Although I told my father that I completely accept him as a husband for me as he is of a similar educational background, he is also resuming him masters. He is also of a similar cultural and social background as me. He is religious, moral and has good financial circumstances.  
Since 2003 until now, the end of 2006, no one proposed to me apart from the first colleague. He strongly wishes to marry me and I so do I. My father says that if I stay without marriage is better for him than if I marry a teacher because I have a big salary and I do not need marriage unless a really good chance comes. A good chance mean he must have a very good profession (specifically very few professions) and he must be rich. My father is serious about this. I am suffering a lot; my ambition is not to have a very respectful career. My ambition is to have a family. 
My question: 
Is it permissible for me to get myself married without my wali’s permission and approval? Is he an inadequate wali for me? Please answer me in detail, may Allah have mercy on you and reward you!.

Praise be to Allaah.

Firstly: 

Marriage is not permissible and is not valid except with a wali, according to the majority of scholars, because of the words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “There is no marriage without a wali.” Narrated by Abu Dawood (2085), al-Tirmidhi (1101) and Ibn Majaah (1881) from the hadeeth of Abu Moosa al-Ash’ari; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi. 

And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no marriage except with a wali and two witnesses of good character.” Narrated by al-Bayhaqi from the hadeeth of ‘Imraan and ‘Aa’ishah; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’ 7557. 

And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Any woman who gets married without the permission of her guardian, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid. But if the marriage is consummated then the mahr is hers because she has allowed him to be intimate with her. If they dispute, then the ruler is the guardian of the one who has no guardian.”  Narrated by Ahmad (24417), Abu Dawood (2083) and al-Tirmidhi (1102); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’ no. 2709. 

The woman’s guardian is her father; then her paternal grandfathers, no matter how far the line of ascent reaches; then her son and his sons, no matter how far the line of descent reaches (this applies if she has a son); then her (full) brother through her father and mother; then her (half) brother through her father only; then their sons, no matter how far the line of descent reaches; then her paternal uncles; then their children, no matter how far the line of descent reaches; then the father’s paternal uncles; then the ruler. (al-Mughni 9/355). 

But if the wali repeatedly refuses the proposal of a compatible suitor, he is to be regarded as preventing the marriage of the female relative under his care, and his guardianship is thus rendered null and void, and that right is transferred to the next closest relative on the father’s side. 

Secondly: 

The compatibility that counts here is compatibility in religious commitment. There is no difference between an Arab and a non-Arab, or between black and white, except in terms of taqwa (piety). Some of the fuqaha’ listed other conditions of compatibility, such as lineage and so on. The fact that the suitor is a teacher and you are a (university) tutor does not mean that he is not compatible with you, so long as he is of good character and religiously committed, and he is comfortably off in material terms, as you mentioned. 

Thirdly: 

What we think is that you should try to advise your father again, and seek help in doing so from someone who will be acceptable to him such as a relative or friend. If he agrees to give you in marriage to this suitor, this is what you want; otherwise you should refer to the matter to the guardian (wali) who comes after him, according to the order mentioned above. If he refuses to arrange your marriage, or there is a conflict among the guardians, then refer the matter to the qaadi and appoint him to arrange your marriage. 

Fourthly: 

What this guardian and others like him do is very strange, when they turn their daughters into trade goods to be offered to the highest bidder, or to the one who is better off than others. Even stranger than that is when they claim that the daughter has no need to get married! What does this poor man understand about need? Doesn’t he know that people need comfort, love and compassion, and that they have natural needs that Allaah has created in them, by His wisdom, may He be glorified? The woman’s wali has to fear Allaah and understand that preventing his daughter or sister from getting married to a compatible suitor who is pleased with her is regarded as wrongdoing and transgression and implies that he is an evildoer (faasiq) whose good character is sullied and whose testimony is to be rejected. 

Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:  

If the wali refused to let a woman marry a man whose religious commitment and character are good, then guardianship passes to the next closest male relative on the father’s side, then the next closest and so on. If they refuse to arrange her marriage, as usually happens, then guardianship passes to the qaadi, and the qaadi should arrange the woman’s marriage. If the matter is referred to him and he knows that her guardians have refused to arrange her marriage, then he should do that, because he is the wali in cases where there is no specific wali.   

The fuqaha’ (may Allaah have mercy on them) stated that if the wali repeatedly refuses marriage proposals from suitable men, then he is a faasiq (evildoer) and is no longer regarded as being of good character or as being a wali, rather according to the best known view of the madhhab of Imam Ahmad, he also forfeits the right to lead prayers and it is not valid to offer any congregational prayer behind him. This is a serious matter.  

Some people, as we have referred to above, refuse offers of marriage from compatible men, but the girl may feel too shy to come to the qaadi to ask for her marriage to be arranged. This is something that does happen. But she should weigh the pros and cons, and decide which has the more damaging consequences, staying without a husband and letting her wali control her life according to his mood or his whims and desires, and when she grows old and no longer wants to get married, then he will arrange her marriage, or going to the qaadi and asking him to arrange her marriage because that is her right according to sharee’ah. 

 Undoubtedly the second alternative is preferable, which is that she should go to the qaadi and ask him to arrange her marriage, because she has the right to that, and because her going to the qaadi and his arranging her marriage serves the interests of others too, because others will come just as she has, and her coming to the qaadi will serve as a deterrent to those who wrong those whom Allaah has put under their care and prevent them from marrying compatible men. In other words, this serves three purposes:  

1.     The woman’s own interests, so that she will not stay without a husband.

2.     The interests of others, because it will open the door for women who are waiting for someone to set a precedent they can follow.

3.     Preventing those oppressive walis who make decisions for their daughters or other women under their guardianship according to their own moods or what they themselves want.  

This also serves the purpose of establishing the command of the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), who said: “If there comes to you (to propose marriage to your daughter) one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry (your daughter) to him, for if you do not do that, there will be fitnah (tribulation) on earth and widespread corruption.”    

It also serves a specific interest, which is arranging marriages for those who are suitable in terms of religious commitment and character, thus protecting them from going astray and falling into haraam.  

Quoted from Fataawa Islamiyyah, 3/148 

We ask Allaah to help you to do that which in which is goodness and success. 

And Allaah knows best.

She hates her husband and fears that she may fall into zina if she stays with him

I got married five years ago. I do not obey my husband neither I love him. We separated twice. He is sexually weak, when I returned to him the last time I just felt I hate him and I do not want to live with him. The only reason of me returning to him was my son. I have committed zina, and I want to repent from this great sin and expiate, but I feel that if I stay with him I will commit this sin again. Shall I leave him for the third time?.

Praise be to Allaah.

Firstly: 

Zina is a grave sin, especially on the part of one whom Allaah has blessed with marriage and who has responded to the blessing with ingratitude, betrayed her husband, transgressed against his honour and contaminated his bed. Hence the punishment for this married woman is to be stoned to death, as a punishment from Allaah, and Allaah is Almighty and All-Wise. 

But by His mercy, He is kind to His slave and gives him respite and allows him to repent, and He accepts that from him and gives reward for that. How merciful, great and kind He is, may He be glorified and exalted. 

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“And those who invoke not any other ilaah (god) along with Allaah, nor kill such person as Allaah has forbidden, except for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse __and whoever does this shall receive the punishment.

69. The torment will be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace;

70. Except those who repent and believe (in Islamic Monotheism), and do righteous deeds; for those, Allaah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allaah is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful”

[al-Furqaan 25:68-70] 

So continue to repent and beseech Allaah to accept it from you, and beware of your self that is inclined towards evil, lest you take for granted Allaah’s kindness towards you and His covering of your sins, for He gives respite but does not forget, and when He becomes angry He punishes. 

Secondly: 

You have to block all the ways that lead to haraam, such as tabarruj (wanton display of adornment), free mixing, correspondence and phone calls. This is part of your repentance and mending your ways. You must beware of the traps of the shaytaan, for the shaytaan has traps and tricks whereby he tempts his friends, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“O you who believe! Follow not the footsteps of Shaytaan (Satan). And whosoever follows the footsteps of Shaytaan (Satan), then, verily, he commands Al‑Fahsha’ [i.e. to commit indecency (illegal sexual intercourse)], and Al‑Munkar [disbelief and polytheism (i.e. to do evil and wicked deeds; and to speak or to do what is forbidden in Islam)]. And had it not been for the Grace of Allaah and His Mercy on you, not one of you would ever have been pure from sins. But Allaah purifies (guides to Islam) whom He wills, and Allaah is All‑Hearer, All‑Knower”

[al-Noor 24:21] 

Thirdly: 

If you do not want to stay with him and you cannot stand him, and you fear that if you do that you will fall into zina, then there is nothing wrong with you asking for a divorce, but you should think about the consequences of doing that and what your situation will be after that. Pray to Allaah for guidance (istikhaarah) before doing that. See question no. 11981 for information about the istikhaarah prayer.  

The evidence that it is permissible to seek a divorce if a woman hates her husband and cannot bear to stay with him is the report narrated by al-Bukhaari in his Saheeh (4867), that the wife of Thaabit ibn Qays came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said: “O Messenger of Allaah, I do not blame Thaabit ibn Qays for any defect in his character or his religious commitment, but I would hate to commit an act of kufr when I am a Muslim.”  [Ibn Majaah (2056 added): and I cannot stand him ] The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “Will you give him back his garden [which he had given as mahr]?” She said, “Yes.” The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said (to Thaabit), “Accept the garden, and divorce her once.”  

What is meant by “I would hate to commit an act of kufr when I am Muslim” is: I would hate to do a deed that is contrary to Islam such as hating my husband or disobeying him or not fulfilling his rights, and so on. 

See: Fath al-Baari (9/400). 

But we advise you, before you ask for a divorce, to try to set things straight first, for divorce is something that Allaah hates and does not love. So try to appoint a wise man from your family to speak to your husband and find out the reasons for the problem, and try to reconcile between you. What you say about his being weak can be worked out with your husband frankly, for Allaah is not too shy to tell the truth. If it is the matter of sickness, there is nothing wrong with him going to the doctor. 

But if it too difficult for you and your attempts at reconciliation do not succeed, then in sha Allaah there is nothing wrong with you asking for a divorce in that case. 

We ask Allaah to set our affairs and those of all the Muslims straight. 

And Allaah knows best.

She is married to a Muslim and hijab is putting her off Islam

My husbad is Muslim and has talked frequently about me becoming Muslim myself. I just have one concern... the women being covered. Why do they need to cover themselves and only reveal what is odinarily revealed. I am American, we reveal almost the entire body here. I just want to get an understanding.

Praise be to Allaah.  

There can be no doubt that Allaah only enjoins that in which there is wisdom, but in some cases the wisdom behind some rulings may be hidden from people, and in some cases it may be quite obvious – such as the prohibition on alcohol which clouds the mind and hinders people from the remembrance of Allaah and from prayer [cf. al-Maa'idah 5:91]. 

The wisdom behind the prescription of hijab is one of the most clear, because it is a covering for woman and guards their chastity, and it prevents the foolish from making approaches and harassing them. How often has a woman’s hijab prevented the devils among mankind from harrassing her? How often have unveiled women made a display of their beauty and charms, which has led to their being harrassed by the foolish? Concerning this, Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“O Prophet! Tell your wives and your daughters and the women of the believers to draw their cloaks (veils) all over their bodies (i.e. screen themselves completely except the eyes or one eye to see the way). That will be better, that they should be known (as free respectable women) so as not to be annoyed. And Allaah is Ever Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful”

[al-Ahzaab 33:59] 

This verse gives the complete answer to your question, because Allaah mentions here the command to His Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) to tell his wives and daughters and the believing women to wear hijab, and it mentions the wisdom behind that, which is so that they may be protected and not exposed to annoyance. 

When women go out showing most of their bodies – as the questioner mentions – this is one of the greatest causes of crime and corruption of men’s morals, and of the spread of immorality. It is also degrading for woman, as we see women becoming cheap products for business-owners and advertisers, who show woman half-naked and devoid of modesty in order to attract customers and market their products. 

A woman’s body belongs to her and is not to be shared with people. When she gets married it belongs to her husband and she should not let anyone else have a share in it. What does a woman want when she shows her body and exposes her charms to onlookers? Does she just want them to look and stare, and what is the affect of that on rapists and the foolish? How are you going to stop them from getting what they want by attacking you and trying to rape you. Are you going to show some meat to the hungry and then try to stop them from eating it? 

In a modern study it was shown that: 

65% of female workers are exposed to sexual harassment in their place of work in some European countries. 

18% of women in America have been raped or been subjected to attempted rape at some stage in their lives. 

More than half of victims were under the age of 17. 

Kitaab Ihsaa’aat, Diraasaat, Arqaam (p. 140). 

Islamic sharee’ah brought that which is best for men and for women, and for the family and society. It does not impose restrictions on women as some enemies of Islam claim. Islam allows women to work, seek knowledge, engage in business, testify in court, uphold the ties of kinship, visit the sick, and so on, but it has set limits regarding her going out in order to protect her and to prevent the foolish from harassing her. 

We say to the questioner: 

Many western women, when they think about it and come to know the reality of Allaah’s laws concerning women, do not hesitate to declare their Islam and enter into the religion of the Prophets and the righteous. 

In Islam, women are protected and looked after. That is not in return for her staying in the home only, rather that is because she plays a great role, which is taking care of her husband and raising and caring for children. This is an important role, because the soundness or corruption of society depends on the extent to which mothers are successful in their raising and teaching of their children. 

One of the largest British insurance companies carried out a study on one million housewives, which produced amazing results. This study showed that the average full-time housewife spends 19 hours per day meeting the needs of her family, because she is the one who is raising the children, teaching them, looking after family members when they fall sick, and is responsible for the household budget. 

In addition to that – looking at what the houswife’s value from a purely materialistic point of view, far removed from any emotional criteria – a woman who stays at home is the most valuable thing the family can have. 

Op. cit., p. 118, 119 

It has become clear to many wise women the serious danger posed by the false freedom that they are enjoying and they have finally realized where this path will lead them. It is stated in another study that: 

80% of American women think that the freedom that women have gained in the last 30 years is the reason for the promiscuity and violence that are prevalent nowadays.  

75% feel worried about the loss of values and the disintegration of the family. 

80% have great difficulty in combining their responsibilities at work with their responsibilities towards their husbands and children. 

87% said that if the clock was turned back they would consider the demands for equality as a social conspiracy against the United States and they would resist those who raise the banner of equality. 

op. cit., p. 147 

All it needs is for you to think about the matter a little, and look at real life, and you will see that hijab spares women from evil, harm and crimes. Islam has closed the door to such evils with its laws, including the requirement for women past the age of puberty to wear hijab. 

Finally we would like to congratulate you on the fact that Allaah has granted you a Muslim husband, so that you will be able to see Islam in practice from him and his Muslim relatives, which may encourage you to enter Islam and which may remove the barrier of fear about entering this great and purely monotheistic religion. Also note that entering this final religion, which Allaah wants for all people, is a great honour of which you may be deprived if you delay and death then overtakes you. So hasten to enter Islam, with submission to the will of Allaah, with eagerness and delighting in this blessing of Allaah.  

You should note that if you fall short in your observance of hijab because your human weakness or you feel embarrassed in front of your people, this is regarded as a sin. That should not prevent you from doing the great good deed which will lead you to Paradise and save you from Hell, namely embracing Islam. You should also note that the Shaytaan (Satan) is the enemy of all the sons of Adam, and he is the one who is stirring up these doubts in order to prevent you from entering this religion, so that he can increase the number of those who will follow him to Hell. So be strong and courageous in making the decision that will lead to eternal happiness, by Allaah’s leave. We ask Allaah to help you and to give you the will power to enter Islam as our sister in Islam, and to share this blessing. We thank you for your confidence in us. 

And Allaah is the Guide to the Straight path.

His family are criticizing him for staying with them and not getting married; how should he deal with them?

I treat my family well, but they are not treating me in the same way. Sometimes they shame me because I still am unmarried and staying with them. From my simple salary, 200 LE, I try to help at home. I am a governmental clerk at education ministry. I wanted to study another field, actually I did not want to work for the government, but I listened to them. They were saying a lot of things about the advantages of working for the government; such as stability and pension, etc. I became a clerk. Now I cannot get married. I am 34 years old, I avoid being disobedient to my parents. But I have dignity and I want to protect it when they say such things to me, especially my mother when she says “you still are unmarried staying with us”. How shall I behave with them? I try to repress my anger a lot but until when?!.

Praise be to Allaah.

Firstly: 

Your parents have great rights over you and are entitled to respect and kind treatment, even if they mistreat you, and even if they try to make you leave Islam and join the caravan of shirk – Allaah forbid. This is a right that is guaranteed to them by Islam. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour”

[al-Isra’ 17:23] 

“But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not; but behave with them in the world kindly, and follow the path of him who turns to Me in repentance and in obedience. Then to Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what you used to do”

[Luqmaan 31:15] 

Remember this even though you think that your treating them kindly and honouring them is destroying your “dignity”. Remember this even though you are saying “how long can I suppress my anger?” 

You have to carry on putting up with your family’s mistreatment of you and you have to carry on honouring them and treating them kindly, even if they mistreat you and hurt you. 

Secondly: 

What we advise you to do in practical terms is as follows: 

1 – Be patient and seek reward with Allaah for the things you are suffering from your family. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“And seek help in patience and As-Salaah (the prayer) and truly, it is extremely heavy and hard except for Al-Khaashi‘oon [i.e. the true believers in Allaah — those who obey Allaah with full submission, fear much from His punishment, and believe in His Promise (Paradise) and in His Warnings (Hell)]”

[al-Baqarah 2:45]. 

2 – Honour them and treat them kindly, and show kindness to them by giving them gifts, taking care of them, and speaking nicely to them. It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Give one another gifts, so that you will love one another.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari in al-Adab al-Mufrad (594); classed as hasan by al-Haafiz Ibn Hajar in al-Talkhees al-Habeer (3/70) and by al-Albaani in Irwa’ al-Ghaleel (1601). 

3 – Advise them and urge them to adhere to the rulings of sharee’ah and good manners, with wisdom and beautiful preaching. 

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“Invite (mankind, O Muhammad صلىالله عليه وسلم) to the way of your Lord (i.e. Islam) with wisdom (i.e. with the Divine Revelation and the Qur’aan) and fair preaching, and argue with them in a way that is better. Truly, your Lord knows best who has gone astray from His path, and He is the Best Aware of those who are guided”

[al-Nahl 16:125] 

4 – Use a variety of da’wah methods, and do not stick to just one method. Audio and video tapes and booklets may have an effect in changing their behaviour. 

5 – Seek the help of knowledgeable people and seeker of knowledge who are held in high esteem by them, and ask them to visit you and speak to them and advise them. 

6 – Strive to seek a halaal income, which will enable you to get married. You can look for another job, or travel to a Muslim country to work there. 

7 – Always pray that they will be guided. 

We ask Allaah to enable you to do that which He loves and which pleases Him, and to make things easy for you, and to guide your family to righteousness and wisdom. 

And Allaah is the source of strength.

Hymen repair for one who was divorced before consummation of the marriage

Is it permissible to have an operation to repair the hymen? Please note that this did not happen as the result of any haraam action, rather it was done with a shar’i marriage contract but the marriage was not announced to the people.

Praise be to Allaah.

If the marriage contract is done, then the woman becomes a wife and it is permissible for the husband to do with her what all husbands do with their wives. But having intercourse should be delayed until the day of the consummation (wedding party), so as to avoid any negative consequences that may result from that. 

With regard to engagement, that comes before the marriage contract, and it does not make it permissible to have intercourse, be alone with her or be intimate with her, rather when the man proposes marriage it becomes permissible for him to look at the one whom he wants to marry, but he is still a stranger to her like all other men, until the marriage contract is done. 

Based on this, intercourse in the first case (when the marriage contract has been done) is permissible and there is no sin in that. But in the second case (engagement) it is zina. 

With regard to repairing the hymen, it is not permissible in either case, because it is deceit and it is a deception of the second husband as it will make him think that his wife is a virgin, when in fact she is not. Having this operation also means that the doctor will look at the most private part of the ‘awrah when that is not necessary. 

In addition to that, if the hymen was torn due to zina, then the operation to repair it will be helping in something haraam and making it easy. 

And Allaah knows best.

His wife reviles him and insults him. What should he do?

There is a very ill mannered wife who slanders and insults her husband. He has warned her more than once, but she insists on insulting him. He cannot tolerate this but he has a daughter, and he fears for his daughter if he divorces his wife. What should he do?.

Praise be to Allaah.

If the wife insults and reviles her husband, then he must advise her and warn her, and explain to her that her bad talk incurs sin, especially since the husband is the most deserving of people of her respect and good treatment, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If I were to command anyone to prostrate to anyone, I would have told women to prostrate to their husbands, because of the rights that Allaah has given them over them.” Narrated by Abu Dawood (2140) and al-Tirmidhi (1159); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood. 

You should follow with her the method that Allaah has mentioned in His Book, of admonishing, forsaking in bed and hitting in a way that does not cause injury. If none of that is successful, then you should seek help in advising her from a righteous person in her family, so as to preserve the family and take care of the rights of the children, if there are any. 

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allaah and to their husbands), and guard in the husband’s absence what Allaah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity and their husband’s property). As to those women on whose part you see ill‑conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High, Most Great”

[al-Nisa’ 4:34] 

Among the admonishment that you may use with her is telling her of the sin that she is committing by disobeying her husband, and the great reward that she will attain if she obeys him. 

You should also explain to her the harm that will be suffered by her, her husband and her daughter in the event of a divorce or if she continues to behave in this manner. 

If the wife responds and is affected by this admonition, and she gives up this bad behaviour, then this is what is wanted. If she persists in her evil ways and foolishness, then there is no blame on the husband if he divorces her. 

The scholars have stated that divorce may be permissible if it is needed because of the wife’s bad attitude and bad conduct, and if he is harmed by that and the purpose of marriage is not being achieved.  

Al-Mughni (10/324). 

What you have mentioned about being afraid for your daughter if you separate is something that should be taken into account. If you are afraid that you will not be able to bring her up, or that the girl will be harmed because of this divorce, then you should weigh up the two evils, that of staying with a woman whose attitude is bad and who is mistreating you, and that of what might happen to your daughter after a divorce. One of the basic principles of sharee’ah is doing the lesser of two evils in order to ward off the greater. 

You should pray istikhaarah, asking Allaah for guidance, before making your decision, and you should strive for reconciliation if possible. If that is not possible then strive to protect your daughter and get custody of her, and do not leave her for this woman to raise her with her attitude. 

We advise you to pray to Allaah and always fear Him, for Allaah has promised provision and a way out to the pious who always fear Him. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“And whosoever fears Allaah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty).

3. And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allaah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allaah will accomplish his purpose. Indeed Allaah has set a measure for all things”

[al-Talaaq 65:2-3] 

We also advise you to repent to Allaah from all sins, for the wife’s bad attitude may be a punishment for sins that one has committed, as it was narrated that al-Fudayl ibn ‘Iyaad (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: I disobey Allaah then I see that in the attitude of my mount or my wife.  

We ask Allaah to set our affairs and the affairs of the Muslims straight. 

And Allaah knows best.

He thinks his mother used witchcraft against him and they are on bad terms with one another

I think that my mother is using witchcraft against me, for one reason or another, and this has had some effect in reality, which is that I am bewitched from time to time. I sought treatment with a psychologist, but to no avail. 
The problem is that I believe my mother will not hesitate to do this again, and there is no need for me to tell you the hardships I went through because of this witchcraft, in addition to the fact that I have no job and no income. I believe that my mother is insane. Hence I do not speak to her. In addition to that she wants me to leave home and she said to me: If you do not want to speak to me, then get out of the house. This is the talk of crazy people, because I do not have any other place to go. Hence I answered her by saying: I am sick and I will never leave home. All she did was go to my aunt’s house and come back the next day. Until now I am not speaking to her, but she speaks to me and says a few simple words such as “close the door” and so on, and I hasten to do what she tells me because in fact I do not hate her or want to go against her, as she says, but it is for reasons that are beyond my control. 
I hope that you can explain this situation and offer the right solution. 
May Allaah bless you..

Praise be to Allaah.

It should be noted, first of all, that Allaah has enjoined you to respect your parents and to treat them kindly in word and in deed, and He has forbidden you to treat them badly or say to them “Uff” (a word of disrespect). 

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour”

[al-Isra’ 17:23] 

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: A man came to the Messenger of Allaah (S) and said: Which of the people is most deserving of my good companionship? He said: “Your mother.” He said: Then who? He said: “Then your mother.” He said: Then who? He said: “Then your mother.” He said: Then who? He said: “Then your father.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5626) and Muslim (2548). 

Hence you must stop your mistreatment and saying that she is insane, because that is not appropriate, and you should treat her in a kind and loving manner, and do not disobey her commands so long as there is no sin involved. It is not permissible for you to shun her and stop talking to her. If she does that then try hard to reconcile with her by speaking kindly and doing kind deeds to her. 

It should be noted, secondly, that it is not permissible for you to accuse a specific person of having bewitched you, so how about if the person you accuse is your mother? By doing that, you are accusing her of committing a major sin that may reach the level of kufr. It is not permissible for you to do this even if the one whom you accuse is a stranger to you, so how about if you are attributing that reprehensible action to your mother with no proof or evidence? The punishment for wronging others is severe, so how about one who wrongs his own mother? 

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“And those who annoy believing men and women undeservedly, they bear (on themselves) the crime of slander and plain sin”

[al-Ahzaab 33:58] 

Ibn Katheer (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:  

The words “And those who annoy believing men and women undeservedly” mean: by attributing to them things of which they are innocent, that they have not done. 

“they bear (on themselves) the crime of slander and plain sin” means, this is an obvious lie, to say or narrate of the believing men and women things that they did not do, by way of criticizing them. 

Tafseer Ibn Katheer, 6/480. 

It was narrated from Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah that the Messenger of Allaah (S) said:  “Beware of injustice, for injustice will be darkness on the Day of Resurrection.” Narrated by Muslim (2578). 

Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: 

Al-Qaadi said: It was said that this means what it appears to mean, and it will be darkness for a person who will not be able to find a way on the Day of Resurrection when the light of the believers appears before them and on their right. And it may be that darkness here refers to hardship, which is how they interpreted the verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Say (O Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم): Who rescues you from the darkness of the land and the sea” [al-An’aam 6:63], i.e. hardships.  And it may be that it refers to punishment. 

Sharh Muslim (16/134). 

It should be noted, thirdly, that you may not have been bewitched, and it may all be illusions and imagination. This happens to a lot of people, who believe that they have been bewitched when that is not the case. So strive to obey your Lord by performing obligatory and supererogatory duties, and strive to honour your mother. Always read Qur’aan and try to recite the adhkaar for morning and evening. These things, in sha Allaah, will protect you from evil and help you to recover from your mental and psychological illnesses. 

And Allaah is the source of strength.